She often wondered what she did wrong to bring her to this place. All the self help books these days are very clear that you create your own life. They shout from the TV screens be what ever you want by your own designer thoughts. So being homeless, hungry, poor is your own thoughts. Really, can it be that easy?
Her life was never what she wanted, she was raped as a teenager and that shaped everything. She could not really love any man, their violent ways and smell stuck to her mind like a summer haze. She smell the stench in their sweat and felt the dampness in their breath. She did not choose that, or did she? Therapy helped her cope, that's all you need to do count the days you cope. Days turn into years.
She did not choose that day, maybe it chose her. The days there after where hate and addiction followed her everywhere was her own, that she chose.
She never told a soul, so of course everyone judged her actions. How can a intelligent, creative, well brought up young woman destroy herself? Destroy her parents they have worked so hard to give her everything. The shocking truth sometimes everything is nothing.
She does her day job, as this is what is expected of her. She goes to work in the slow moving traffic, little robots of society. She sits at her desk types her reports, and go home. Count the day, she coped.
Sometimes anger flares up and she thinks that if she shoots him; "Kill him like he killed her" maybe then she wont cope and start to live again. Then tears roll down her face and she realize she had her chance to fight that day, but she never did, she let him do this.
So finding him now and shooting him now, will just be something else to cope with.
She will continue to count the days, read self help books, and pray one of them will actually be the help she needs.