Monday, August 20, 2007
Everybody breaks on that day
"Please be quite, I cannot stand you crying."
The baby is lying on the sofa crying, but I am not telling her to be quite. I am trying to calm myself. I actually took her. It all happened so fast, she smiled at me her mom was on the phone looking out the window, not giving her any attention. I just took her, nobody stopped or looked my way. I had my hat on and my sunglasses, got off at Canary Wharf. Went into a building got rid of the hat and glasses and my jacket. How did I know exactly where the CCTV cameras were facing?
I just took her.
The baby is crying, I need to calm myself and see that she is fine. The neighbours will find it strange that there is a crying baby in the house. They heard the fight that night in the street, they know he left me cause my body is broken. They know I am not a woman, just 28 and so called God decided I am not allowed kids, he just gave me a growth in my uterus. They know I am broken.
"Pick up the baby, do it now!" my own voice startles me.
Her small body is warm and soft, she smells of baby. She is beautiful I try and calm her, just softly press her against my heart. This is what I missed all these years, this is what I will never have. It feels amazing and the little body calms down and stops crying. I stand there instinctly softly hoping her with my body and slowly swinging from side to side.
I have to get formula, nappies, bottles, she must be wet and hungry. I did not prepare. I just looked at all the kids on the train each day and longed for one more and more each day. I want a child more than I need to breathe.
So I just took her.
Home shopping, thank goodness for home shopping. I get my laptop out and order the stuff I need. She sits quitly on my lap and coo at the screen.
I use the credit card he left here, so they don't trace me here. How do I know all these criminal things. I frighten myself, I took a child.
What's worse is I am not planning to give her back, her mother did not pay attention to her, she was to busy talking to her boyfriend(from what I can gather). I can't believe I am trying to validate my actions. I wanted a child since we got married four years ago, he also wanted kids. He just walked out the day he heard, I am broken, he just walked out.
She fell asleep on my shoulder. I lie her down on my bed and make a small bed for her in the corner. I don't want her to fall off the bed. She is so soft and tranquil in sleep, she smells like a baby. Before I lie her down on the baby bed I softly smell her hair and kiss her forehead.
The doorbell rings, its my online delivery has it been an hour already. I seem to miss time, I am day dreaming about things too much. I take the stuff into the kitchen and read every label over and over. Sterilize the bottles get everything ready, to feed and bathe her when she wakes up. I have to do this right, she needs to be looked after.
No watching the news tonight, I have allot to do, I need to be prepared.
The doorbell goes again.