Monday, March 12, 2007
Perfect love forbidden
We lied there neither of us saying a word, we both knew that nothing could be said to ease the pain. How will you tell them? I did not know how to answer the question that my heart wanted to break into million pieces and I wanted the wind to blow the pieces away. I knew I had to say something to them. I will soon be giving birth to his child and then there would be no way hiding the truth.
Does it really matter; I loved him more than anything in the world. He made me feel free; he could look into my soul with one solitary gaze. Our bodies knew each other and our souls needed each other. He held me tight moving my hair from my neck, kissing me softly. He knew how much I cared, he never opened up like me, but I knew when we where together that he could not live without me. He stroked my back and rubbed over my belly, it stood so far out already I don’t know how anybody could miss it for so long. The fact that I kept to myself made them think I am depressed and I was eating too much again. This was not true, the truth was: I found the love of my life and I did not know how to tell them, I was also carrying his child. The past did not worry me anymore it was the future that was heavy on my mind. He pulled me close and buried his head in my hair, he always loves smelling my skin, kissing and smelling me. How I would love to be lost with him in this moment forever.
His hands big and strong moving over my hips resting on my buttocks. He knew how to touch me, he knew how I felt, and I knew I wanted to never be without him. I turned around to look at his eyes, I so wanted to see what he thinks. I wanted to fill his being with my love. I knew I impacted him in ways that he never imagined to be possible. He was just worried that I would leave like all the others.
In my dreams I dreamt he was my guardian, the person who saw me long before I was comfortable in my own skin. In my dreams he would hold my hand as I tried to give birth to our child, in my dreams I knew I would leave him.
It was the first of March the date our child will be born. Nobody saw my bulging belly, and the child hidden within. He met me at the hospital, so tall and handsome; his face was that of an angel, in his eyes concern was hidden. I softly stroked his cheek like I have done in the past: “Don’t worry my love, it will be fine!”
The Doctor induced labour, the pain was huge and horrid, it invested my brain. I was never prepared for this. I had to push the child out of my body but I was so weak, the nurse looked concern. My Love stood by my side strong and silent as always, he just held my hand. A tear started rolling down his cheek, I wanted to wipe it off but my hands could not move, and I saw my child. She was perfect as her father, perfect in every way. I wanted to take her from the Doctor but he gave her to her father. He was crying now, so intense!
I was lying on the bed, and my body was pale and lifeless. I died giving birth; I left a part of me with my love. My parents where called they saw him for the first time, they where furious, at him, at me, this child.
My love did not care he took her little body wrapped in a blanket and walked away. He cared for her like he wanted to care for me!